Courtship Ritual
by Azkas19
Summary: Sebastian observes the courtship rituals of a shinigami, while Ronald discovers the reason why Eric has sworn off girls.
1. Mating Season

Kuroshitsuji and all its characters belongs to Yana Toboso.

...

Sebastian paused from his reading; one finger marking his place as he listened with his head cocked sideways. He smiled thinly to himself.

Ah, there's nothing like hearing the lustful caterwauling of a tom in heat. It must be mating season again.

Normally he'd let it be, secretly delighting in the prospect of seeing kittens mewling about in the kitchen (sadly before the young master orders him to get rid of them), but this was an entirely different case.

For one thing, it was getting loud enough to wake up the young master, and Sebastian simply won't allow that to happen. Secondly, he alone cannot get rid of this particular disturbance. It's time to call upon a specialist…so to speak.

He sighed, hating to get up from his comfortable seat by the fireplace. As he exited the library, he briefly wondered whether he should bring his silver cutlery along, just in case.

Those fools, he darkly thought to himself. The least they could do was find the right damned window first.

He reached the maid's room and rapped smartly at the door. "Meirin?"

Pausing a moment, he listened to the faint shuffling going on at the other side. He knocked again. "Meirin? There's a small matter which requires your assistance. Please come out."

With a creak, the door opened, revealing the disheveled maid rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," Sebastian said, as sincerely as a political candidate, "But there's been a…disturbance, and I wish to handle it as quietly as possible."

Meirin immediately became alert at the mention of 'disturbance'. "Oh, no…is the manor under attack, Mr. Sebastian?" she asked. "How's the young ma-"

A gloved hand held up to her face prevented any further aimless babblings. "As I've said before, it's only a small matter. However, I would like to remind you that whatever you do during your free time is entirely up to you, so long as it doesn't interfere with your duties as a Phantomhive maid. But for the sake of preventing this same incident from happening again, do refrain from encouraging strays to follow you home."

"S-strays?"

The same hand curled into a finger imperiously beckoning her to follow. It was amazing how a pair of gloves could elicit such fearful control over the staff. It was like being ordered around by a tyrannical mime. Not for the first time, Meirin thought that Sebastian could usurp the Queen of England and rule Europe with those gloves if he wanted to.

Taking a moment to squeeze into her dressing gown, she bustled after the butler down the hallway. He led her into the music room, waiting by the balcony doors for her to catch up. As she approached him, she became increasingly aware of a rather familiar voice warbling from outside. A disturbingly familiar voice.

_"Sweet Meirin, my beautiful rose; She's my little lady, that everyone knows…"_

Her footsteps faltered as her face began to heat up. Oh, dear God…pleasenothim pleasenothim…

"Come along, Meirin. Let's settle this before the next millennium arrives, shall we? I'd much rather do it now, before the young master wakes up," Sebastian said briskly. He then softened his tone and gave her a warm smile, which didn't help improve the situation one bit. "Or would you rather bear the full consequences of facing an angry, sleep-deprived young master?"

"N-nossir! Sorry, sir!"

"Hm," he said, before turning around and pushing the doors open. The atrocious yowling abruptly stopped as he strode out to the balcony. "My, my…" he said pleasantly, "it's only the middle of June, and yet it seems as if the Christmas wassailers has come around early."

"Yo, Sebby! 'Sup!"

He visibly scowled, irritated by the unwelcome moniker…even more so by the sad twangings of a guitar being tortured by inexpert hands. "Can you please stop that? Thank you. Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit…" he rattled off their names like a roll call: "Mr. Sutcliff, Mr. Knox and…Mr. Slingby, I believe?"

The three Reapers grinned widely back at him.

...

(A/N: The song that Ronald sang for Meirin was taken from this kinglaoghaire site. Dunno why, but when I copy the link here, it gets messed up. Tch.

Anyway, I googled for Victorian love songs and this is what I got.

Thanks for dropping by :) Please make yourselves comfortable.)


	2. A very good advice

_Kuroshitsuji and all its characters belongs to Yana Toboso.  
>...<em>

Ronald appreciated any form of advice from Miss Grell, but there were times when he needed a far more…manly perspective. Which was precisely why he caught Eric during one of his cigarette breaks earlier that day.

"You're going after a chick, eh?" the senior shinigami grunted amusedly. "Why am I not surprised? Seems to me you should just set up a coop to save all the hassle."

"But this one's different, senpai! She's special."

"Hah, if I get a pound for each time I hear that line, I'd get-" he paused a moment, counting silently with his fingers before concluding, "I still won't be able to pay my rent, but I sure can get a decent meal for one whole day. Anyway, so…whose secretary is it this time? Probably goes by the name Tina or Gladys-"

"She's an assassin."

"Eh?"

"Well, more of a sniper, really. But they're pretty much the same, I suppose."

Mistaking Eric's silence as a sign that he was listening attentively, Ronald went on: "I'm tellin' ya, senpai…she's really something. On our first date, she tried to kill me. I mean, how cool is that? No girl's ever done that before! Her eyesight's so good, she can use a rifle without the scope. We're talking about a 200-yard distance here, and that's something you can't sneeze at, even for a human! Why, even I can't see the end of my nose without my glasses on, and yet she can spot me from all the way up the London Bridge. Are you okay, senpai?" He motioned towards Eric's cigarette, which had burned into a long stick of ash. "You're gonna smoke that or somethin'?"

Eric tossed it to the floor, grinding it with the heel of his shoe. "Listen to me, kid…and listen good, because this'll be the best damn advice you'll ever get. You all ears? Good. Here it is: _Forget about her._"

"Huh? Why?"

A hand landed heavily on the young man's shoulder. "Remember that time when I told you I was almost mauled to death by a savage Bengalese tiger?"

"Yeah, I've been wondering about that-"

"Well, let's just say that this tiger had a fetish for barbed cat 'o' nine tails, and I ain't talking about the feline kind," Eric went on, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. They looked like hairy slugs mating on a trampoline.

"I don't get it."

"You will in a mo'. Anyway, if it wasn't for Mr. Spears arriving on time, she'd probably have done a Guy Fawkes on me."

"Guy Fawkes?"

"Drawn and quartered," Eric said, removing his hand. "Now of course everybody knows us Reapers are hard to kill; but bloody hell, the things she did to me STINGS! It took me a whole month to recover in the hospital, and I got so antsy that Mr. Spears threatened to finish what she started if I don't rest up like a good boy."

"Wow."

"Save the 'wow' for later. You ain't heard nothin' yet. Anyways, it turned out that she was a Soviet spy sent to keep watch over Queen Victoria's dirty laundry. Military stuff, y'know. Man, the torture techniques she knew would make even the Spanish Inquisition look like a basketful of newborn lambs."

"What happened? How'd you-"

"End it with her? Well, lemme just mention beforehand that we met in a totally cliché'd romantic setting. Eyes meeting across a crowded room, violins playing, angels sprinkling fairy dust outta their bums, that kinda thing. She's one spitfire vixen and it didn't take long for things to get…freaky between us. I don't mind tellin' ya right now that if I were to die again, there'll be some parts of my Cinematic Record that you'd have to censor first."

"Can I say 'wow' now?"

"Knock yourself out. Where was I? Oh, yes. So things eventually got too freaky even for my standards that I had to let her go. Then it became even more complicated when I was assigned to Reap her. Whoah, I can still hear the drama and tears…and that's just coming from me. So there you go. Years later I met Alan and that's when I decided I'm a pretty much settled-down guy."

"That's – uh - some story, senpai."

"You bet it is. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, indeed. Especially when she's capable lopping your head off and using it as a doorstop. You best watch yourself, kid. This girl, do you at least know her name?"

"Meirin."

"Uh-oh. Sounds foreign. Make like a hot potato and drop her chop-chop. Go back to your pursuing librarians and milkmaids."

"We don't have milk-"

"I meant regular girls. Constantly worries about their hair and weight, giggling into corners, gossiping with Grell about William T. Spears…those kind."

"But I don't want regular girls!"

Eric sighed deeply. This was getting more serious than he thought.

"Ronald, level with me now: how far are you planning to go with her?" he asked.

"Honestly, I dunno. We've only met twice, and we haven't even had dinner together yet. It's a bit too early to decide on anything, right?"

Eric flicked a finger patronizingly against the younger Reaper's forehead. "Stupid!" he boomed. "You best decide now, because she's certainly ain't the type you'd do the dirty with and then dump just like that."

"How'd you know? You've never even met her!"

"I don't have to! Personal experience, remember? Ok, supposing you two break up. Forget about killing you; all she had to do was stuff a live grenade down your pants and turn you into a eunuch. That would definitely put a permanent crimp on any future romantic conquests for you, kid."

"Aw c'mon, she can't be THAT crazy!"

"Oi, you asked me for advice, and I'm giving it. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but for now you listen to what I have to say."

"Well, I still think she won't do anything like that. She's the quiet type."

"Ok, so she's the silent assassin. Sounds brilliant so far. Anything else I should know about her?"

"She's a Phantomhive maid."

"Wha- did you just mention Phantomhive? Whoo…haha! It gets even better by the minute!" Eric hooted, slapping his thigh in amusement. "Kid, when you find 'em, you really find 'em!"

"Senpai, you're not helping."

"Well, I'm sorry. I take back the eunuch theory; she'd just send Sebastian Michaelis after you instead! You might as well pay a visit to the Undertaker now and put down a deposit for your own coffin and tombstone! Ohohoo…!"

Ronald said nothing, staring at the ground morosely. He looked so miserable that Eric was moved into putting an arm companionably over his shoulders. "Chin up, Ronnie. I was only joking. Look, I'm sure she's a nice girl if you squint past the guns and all sorts of other crazy paraphernalia. Just…treat her like a queen and back off when she says she has a headache or one of those, um, 'lady moments'. Y'know, I think they should add this to the 10 Commandments or something: 'How to approach girls without having them bite off your head'."

"Tell me, senpai: how're your guitar skills?"

Eric frowned, surprised at this unexpected change of topic. "Huh?"

"Alan told me that you could play, but I've no idea how good you are."

A mold of suspicion creeping over his mind made Eric voice out the next question carefully: "What're you getting at?"

"Ever felt like helping out a brother in need?"

The penny dropped. "Oh nooo…I'm not getting involved in another one of your harebrained schemes. Last time we-"

"I'll tackle your midnight shifts for a week if you say yes."

"Two weeks," Eric ground out quickly. "And we have a deal."

...


	3. She said Yes!

_Kuroshitsuji and all its characters belongs to Yana Toboso._

_...  
><em>

Sebastian may be an immaculate butler, possessing talents that could make even William T. Spears gnash his teeth in jealousy…but he too had limits.

To say that he was annoyed by the presence of three Reapers singing love sonnets in the middle of the night was really a poorly thought-out understatement. One of them – most likely Ronald Knox – had even spelled out 'I Luv Meirine' all over the front lawn with his Death Scythe.

Sebastian couldn't understand what was it about the Phantomhive staff that made them such hot commodity amongst the Reapers. First there's Grell with his nauseating crush towards him, and now it's Meirin and Ronald. The butler wondered who's going to try snatch up Bard, Finny and (oh, the horrors!) Tanaka next.

He slid his eyes sideways towards the maid quivering in her own galaxy of embarrassment. Hmph, so much for relying on her for backup.

Clearing his throat, he said: "Meirin, aren't you going to say something?"

"N-no-!"

"Then how long are you planning to-"

"Seb-byyy…! You're looking a wee bit lonely," Grell crooned. "I'd have gone over there and comforted you in a heartbeat, but I'm with Will now…and a lady should always stay true to her man."

"I greatly respect that, Mr. Sutcliff," the butler said with a sickly sweet smile. "However, I do not appreciate you gentlemen calling in at such a late hour, causing this much racket. Even a lakeful of drunk frogs could make a far better sound than the three of you."

"Oi, I resent that. I happen to possess a rather pleasant baritone voice, I have you know," Eric said, plucking on a guitar string as he said so.

"Nevertheless, if you do not vacate these premises immediately, then I have no choice but to issue a formal complaint towards your Supervisor," said Sebastian. In his mind's eye, he could already see the scowling Spears bowing another apology towards him. He allowed himself a secret, gleeful smile at the thought.

"Ok, ok…I'll make this quick, I promise!" Ronald said, his boyish face glistening with nervousness all of a sudden. Hands twisting the end of his necktie, he found it very hard to look at Meirin in the eyes. "Um…I know that we've only met a few times, and - and you'd probably be freaked out by the things I'm about to say. If you are, then just say so and I'll be ok with it."

Poor Meirin. This was getting too much for her maiden heart, and she was about ready to explode from extreme nosebleeding.

"It's just that…I think you're a really awesome girl," Ronald went on, "and I'd like to get to know you better…if that's what you want, of course. What I'm really trying to say is…"

Everyone held their breaths; including Sebastian, much to his surprise.

"Will you be my girl?"

All eyes were now on Meirin, who was by now sinking even further into her own personal hell. If it were possible for humans to melt just from staring, then Sebastian would've had to bring out the mop by now.

Unable to say a word, she lowered her head, letting her bangs cover her eyes. A tiny nod gave them all the answer they needed.

"Well then, that settles it," Sebastian said brightly. "It is normal precendent for the male suitor to gain approval from a lady's guardian prior to wooing her, but I'm sure we can skip that part. Now, I believe a chaperone should be present at all times whenever he takes her out, and…" he paused, unfamiliar with Victorian courtship protocols. "No kissing or holding hands."

"What?" Grell exploded. "That's rubbish! What's the point of dating if he can't even touch her? Sebby, she's a maid…not a nun!"

"Besides, everybody knows you only get to do all the good stuff before you're married," Eric interjected with a grin. "Afterwards it's all just dull, meaningless sex. That's something right up Mr. Spears's alley."

Amidst Grell's indignant 'Hey!' and Eric's boisterous laugh, everyone seemed to forget the two central people in the scene. If Sebastian looked carefully, he could see the shy smile gracing Meirin's lips. The goofy look on Ronald's face told him that he was flying high on seventh heaven (not that Sebastian had any inkling what it was like).

After another attempt at shooing them off, the Reapers finally left, chattering happily amongst themselves. Grell even mentioned something about coming back for Christmas to sing carols, and maybe they could get Will to join in.

Sebastian heaved a sigh of relief, glad that the matter was resolved without incident. He watched Meirin trot back to her room as he closed and secured the balcony doors. After this she'll probably be dreaming of secret moonlit trysts and stolen kisses. Silly girl.

As for him, he's steeling himself for the next time the Shinigami Troubadour Trio decided to come and do another jamming session. Perhaps he should suggest to the young master to convert the front lawn into a lava moat to discourage any unwanted visitors.

THE END


End file.
